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Love
& Marriage
One
of the most brilliant and penetrating writers today on sex, love and
marriage, must surely be Dr. Jack Dominian, of England. I have his gracious
permission to use his books and articles as extensively as I wish and
so the following address is an adaptation of certain parts of Dr. Dominian's
book, GOD, SEX AND LOVE.
Love needs to be translated into easily recognisable categories of needs
required by both partners. With this in mind, Dr. Dominian has described
three central experiences of loving in all personal relationships and
particularly in marriage.
SUSTAINING - HEALING - GROWTH
SUSTAINING: Dr. Dominian means
the level of communication, the expression of feelings of affection
and the sensitive awareness of each other as a person. Women are very
much better communicators than men… they are much better at saying
"I love you" in a multitude of ways. The sensitive awareness
of each other is crucial for sustaining love. We ALL want to be known
and understood, preferably as we were when we were children, when parents
knew magically what we needed. Growing up does not remove our need for
being recognised, wanted, appreciated. One of the reasons for the widespread
incidence of divorce is that women have greater expectations of these
internal levels of sustaining and are not prepared to put up with instances
of gross insensitivity.
HEALING:
All of us are wounded people. Physical wounds are most clearly visible,
emotional ones are more ubiqitous and hidden. All of us suffer to a
greater or lesser degree from feelings of anxiety, depression, suspicion,
mistrust, lack of confidence, lack of self-esteem, fears of pessimism.
When people come to marriage, they long for understanding of their wounds
and a second opportunity to repair the damage. They want a spouse to
heal them by encouragement, confidence and appreciation. The enormous
preoccupation with sex in our day suggests that the only peak moment
in marriage is when partners make love… but the same can be achieved
in a series of momentary peaks as partners are rescued from gloom and
depression. Marriage is probably the single most important source of
healing.
Healing is at the centre of Christian faith as we all try slowly and
painfully to be like Christ and Christianity chooses to make forgiveness
its essential contribution to healing but forgiveness without an essential
change in our personality is a sterile experience - IF WE NEITHER LEARN
NOR CHANGE. If forgiveness is to be effective, it needs a radical change
of heart.
GROWTH:
The third dimension involves growth and change. There are many who assert
that as modern marriage covers a span of some fifty years, it is impossible
to live with the same partner for so long - but be realistic. We ALL
change over the years - in appearance, sexual attraction, our ideas
and values… these are the inevitable risks but there are also advantages.
To be accompanied over many years by someone who realises your potential,
who supports you in your failures. Reliable continuity rather than restless
change of partner is the key to growth. The three persons of the Trinity
do not get bored with each other BECAUSE THEIR LIFE SUBSTANCE IS THE
FULLNESS OF LOVE. The three concepts of sustaining, healing and growth,
must surely be the essential constituents of true and permanent love.
YOUR HOME - "A DOMESTIC
CHURCH": We must stress ever more strongly the God
IS love, we must be much more optimistic, constantly recalling Christ's
promise - "I am with you all days even to the end of time."
At the Second Vatican Council, the Catholic Church coined the phrase
'the domestic church', meaning that married life, steeped in true love,
with its inevitable successes and failures, can be a most potent encounter
with God. The married have their own church ALSO AT HOME which can be
a powerful meeting point with the Lord. The home CAN become as powerful
a spiritual community as the fellowship of the local church. A secure
and moving marriage is the background from which we are most likely
to go out and love our neighbour.
MARITAL BREAKDOWN:
There has been a massive escalation of divorce in the last thirty
years - 700% increase. Perhaps the reason is that the inner world of
marriage, particularly on the part of women has changed with the rapid
rise of expectations and lifestyles – and the absence of a concomitant
education and mutual support for these changes. Divorce is now probably
the single most important social and moral issue of our times - and
the consequences can be devastating.
No single person visualises the whole picture. The doctor sees the stress
symptoms associated with marital conflict; the teacher sees the adverse
results on children at school; the clergy see the profound moral dilemmas
posed by divorce; the solicitor sees the anger of frustrated spouses,
and recent research has highlighted how damaging divorce is for children
and that they often have a higher chance of ending their own marriages
in divorce.
Dr. Dominian concludes: "We are in the midst of a major revolution
in marriage which emphasises the conjugal unity as a personal relationship
of egalitarian and loving proportions. … Marriage has waited for
a long time for a major theological revolution and spiritual thrust
… where we reappraise the wedding not as the point where the church
concludes its dealings with the married but rather where it begins a
long journey of accompanying them over the next fifty years with support…
At the same time we need to develop a theology that makes the home,
marriage and the family a central focus of the spiritual experience
of its members, so that the church in the future will see the 20th century
as the beginning of a new spirituality for the lay person."
And a new spirituality must put ever greater emphasis on the love and
brotherhood of Christ, the Eucharist and prayer.
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