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Art of Friendship & Public Relations Emmet P. Costello SJ
The most important part of education and maturity is the art of making REAL friends - and keeping them. And let us not deceive ourselves - we can have many acquaintances, but not so many REAL friends. "Like attracts like". In friendship, as in marriage, we normally attract our equals. In order to attract "top" people, we have to be top value ourselves! Cardinal Newman's famous definition of a gentleman is a classic and the whole emphasis is on respect and understanding of others. "It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts pain. His great concern being to make everyone at their ease and at home. He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender towards the bashful, gentle towards the distant, merciful towards the absurd … he never speaks of himself except when compelled … he has no ears for slander or gossip … interprets everything for the best ." His definition merits constant study. And never forget Christ's words: "Whatever you did to one of these, you did it to ME." Christ is mysteriously present in every other person.
1. GIVE AND SHOW HONEST APPRECIATION: One of America's most brilliant businessmen, Charles Schwab, said: "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticise anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work … If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise." 2. BECOME GENUINELY INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE": If we want to make friends, we should greet people with animation and enthusiasm. A famous Roman poet, Syrus, observed: "We are interested in others when they are interested in us." 3. REMEMBER A PERSON'S NAME - IT IS 'MUSIC' TO HIS EARS!: NEVER overlook the importance people place on their own name. Roosevelt believed that the simplest and most important way of gaining goodwill was by remembering names and thus making people feel important. So when you meet a person, try to repeat his name several times. 4. BE A GOOD LISTENER AND ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES: Listening to another intently is one of the highest compliments we can pay them, but to talk incessantly about yourself is a sure recipe for failure. People who talk only of themselves, think only of themselves. 5. TALK IN TERMS OF THE OTHER PERSON'S INTERESTS: All leaders know that the best road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he treasures most. Beware these two topics: politics and religion! 6. MAKE THE OTHER PERSON FEEL IMPORTANT AND DO IT SINCERELY: John Dewey said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature and William James said: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." Be sure, however, to avoid insincere flattery. 7. THE ONLY WAY TO GET THE BEST OF AN ARGUMENT IS TO AVOID IT. 8. SHOW RESPECT FOR THE OTHER PERSON'S OPINIONS. NEVER SAY - "YOU'RE WRONG'. Respect also requires that you be punctual for appointments and answer correspondence quickly and courteously. 9. IF YOU ARE WRONG, ADMIT IT EMPHATICALLY AND SINCERELY. 10. AVOID DISCUSSING THE THINGS ON WHICH YOU DIFFER, BUT EMPHASISE THE ISSUES ON WHICH YOU AGREE. Chinese proverb: "He who treads softly, goes far." 11. TRY HONESTLY TO SEE THINGS FROM THE OTHER PERSON'S POINT OF VIEW. 12. CALL ATTENTION TO PEOPLE'S MISTAKES - BUT INDIRECTLY! … AND TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN MISTAKES BEFORE CRITICISING THE OTHER PERSON. 13. LET THE OTHER PERSON SAVE FACE: Avoid hurting a man in his dignity. Make him feel he is respected and understood.
"Know Yourself" - Your strengths and limitations and be realistic in this assessment. Many people exaggerate their strengths and ignore their limitations - to their grave detriment. Professor William James of Harvard claimed that the average person develops only 10% of their latent mental ability! Finally, and most importantly: Aim constantly at deeper faith, love and maturity, the essential constituents of character. All P.R. and "charm" are hollow if a person lacks deep, solid character. In the 4th century the great Saint Augustine wrote: "When you have said 'it's enough', you're DEAD!" There is a never ending challenge to us all in Christ's words: "Be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect." We never fully achieve this sublime goal but
let us constantly aim at it, trusting in God's grace. |